Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Where did you go?

Here is where I went!! Follow me....


Monday, October 10, 2011

I Don't Have to Apologize to You!

Check back November 1st

I have a big surprise coming...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Serious Epidemic in Women’s Health

Have you ever stumbled around awkwardly in you high heels thinking you look sexy?

Have you ever tripped over nothing at all?

Does your footwear make you feel as though you should wear a tiny skirt that you have no business wearing at your age?

If you relate too well to any of these descriptions, you may be suffering from Foolish Footwear Syndrome (FFS)

Other symptoms include

* Rolling your ankles
* Shuffling your feet
* Adding 4 ridiculous inches to your height
* Shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to find comfort
* Feelings of grandeur
* Back ache
* Diminished stamina walking long distances
* Booty dancing

Its easy to laugh, but this is a serious problem.

Thousands of girls traipse out every Friday and Saturday night with a false sense of pride in a skill they have not yet mastered.

But there is help to be had. For a limited time I am offering my personal, one on one counseling. At the low, low cost of airfare, I will personally come punch you in the face.*

However, many women do not need my special one on one attention, and for them, I offer my free, snarky advice. (My advice is always free and ALWAYS snarky.)

First: You probably don't know this, but your shoes are too big. If you wear a size 8 sneaker, then you need a size 7 1/2 heel. Heels need to be tight. You are stumbling because your feet are sliding around in your shoe. If that half size smaller is uncomfortable, then wear sneakers because heels ARE uncomfortable if you wear them right. And you need to wear them right, because of the 'looking like a fool problem' we've already discussed.

Second: Your heels are too tall. I know you want to add 4 inches to your height but don't. Just don't. Seriously, it's worth it to give up the extra inch so that you can walk properly.

Third: Heel-toe, Heel-toe. Not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put weight on the heel or else you'll bend your knees awkwardly.

Fourth: Don't bend your knees awkwardly. For instructions on how to fix this look above.

Fifth: Stand up straight and walk with your core. (Actually, this is good advice all the time)

If you or someone you know suffers from FFS, it's not too late, we can still help.

Please, pass this along to any of your friends who suffer from FFS. Together we can put an end to the late night foolishness.

*I cannot guarantee this claim will be a one time cure, but it SURE will make me feel better

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

NUNYA!! You Know, Nun-Ya Business... Or... What to Say When People Ask Innapropriate Questions

Babysitting puts me in this weird position where I’m forced to hang out with the other sitter at play date. Sometimes this is just fine and I’ve met some cool girls while our seven year old monkeys run around the park together. However, sometimes this is awful and I make painful chit chat while praying someone will fall from the swings and we'll have to rush home.

It’s kind of like having to hang out with the girlfriends of your boyfriend's friends. You pray his friends will date super cool chicks who you can go shopping with outside of the double date dynamic but instead you're stuck with a lame snob of a bore who hasn't learned how to walk in her heels.

On one particular play date from hell, asI was delighted that my little monkey child was wearing herself out playing Duck, Duck, Goose, I was forced to run the small talk marathon with Ms. Asks Too Many Personal Questions. Which got me thinking; why do people think its ok to asks intimate details after having only known someone for 12 seconds?

After hearing about my boyfriend from the overly chatty monkey herself and deducing that I wasn't married, Ms. ATMPQ says, "So, when are you getting married?"

Back the truck up woman.

Not only do I not know this answer myself, but who does she think she is asking such a personal question. If it was something I wanted her to know I’d offer the information myself.

I brushed it off by saying, "Oh, you know, when I’m bored of being happy." Which was sufficient to change the subject but also entirely misleading. I don’t feel this way about marriage at all, and I felt uncomfortable giving her the impression that I was anti-marriage, but what could I do? 

Over the years I have been ask many inappropriate questions to which I really wanted to respond by saying, "Nun yo damn business!"

This is hardly appropriate for me to say, no matter how much I want to, so I have thought of and saved up a little army of witty remarks to fire back with. I will share them with you and please, feel free to ues any of these if you need them for your own defenses.

After high school, when I had to put off going to college for a semester because I couldn’t afford it, people felt they should put pressure on me for not jumping to it right away. When they asked snootily why I wasn’t going right to college, I solemnly told them I only had 6 months to live and wanted to experience life while I could. Had this been real information it obviously would have been way more personal than saying I was too poor to go, but that didn't really cross my mind at the time.

Then when I was married the first time people started getting impatient for me to have kids. I’m not sure why it was so important to strangers that I have babies, I wasn’t in any sort of hurry, so when they asked me when I was going to have kids, I replied, "We're still waiting to see if the marriage will work out." It shut them right up, but I do feel a little bad that this turned out to be more true than I intended... Oops

And finally, when I got divorced, the boldest of the intrusive dared to ask why. This is where I drew the line in my witty self-preserving sand and said, "That is hardly appropriate to ask." A little hostile, but sometimes you have to put people in their place.

Wouldn't it be nice for people to learn what is appropriate to ask and what isn’t? But as long as there are intriguing things happening in my life there will always be nosy people wanting to know about it. There isn’t much to do but smile, try to keep the conversation light and  think of a clever retort.

As I am moving further away from the developing milestones of my 20’s, I’d like to think that my days of having to deal with intrusive strangers are over, but seeing as how I’m not married, I don’t have children and I haven’t even gone to grad school, people will continue to ask invasive questions. I am looking for more ammo to stockpile in my arsenal. Please, share with me your go-to lines to ward off the snooptastic so that I can keep my wits about me.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

My Roommate From Hell

One runs a great risk when placing a Craig’s List ad for a roommate. The bizarre collection of socially awkward, hygienically challenged, porcelain figurine collecting, rejects that come by asking absurd questions about bathroom habits is rather frightening.

When I was looking for a roommate I only showed my place to 3 people before it was reported for discriminatory content because I said that straight men weren’t welcome, whatever. Luckily only 1 of the prospective roommates was a creepy old dude. The other two were lovely young ladies like myself. I picked one and she has turned out splendidly. 

My roommate, who we’ll call Monika for the purpose of my blog, is quite delightful and pleasant. She is very clean and respectful of my space. The only slightly annoying thing is her 17 year old, blind as a bat cat Picasso, but even he doesn't bother me that much. In all she has been a pleasure to live with and I'm so lucky to have found her.

I know what you are thinking. You feel tricked into reading my blog because you wanted to hear some horror stories about awful roommates and I’ve just talked about my perfectly pleasant Hungarian, ex-model, does-my-dishes roommate. 

But she is not the first roommate I’ve ever had...

Enter Freak.

I don’t remember her real name. My other roommate at the time, who we’ll call Amber for the purpose of this blog, and I called her Freak. We did it behind her back at first but as she got weirder and weirder we started calling her that to her face. 

*Now, before you go and think we were catty bitches, A) wait until you hear the story and B) we were 20 year old girls, OF COURSE we were catty bitches.*

I’m going to set the tone for my story with a few highlights of some of Freak’s common behaviors...

1) She would eat half a bowl of fruit loops and then put the whole thing in the dishwasher, FRUIT LOOPS AND ALL. 

2) Freak would fall asleep in front of the TV about 5 nights a week. When we explained to her that neither mine nor Amber's dads owned the electric company and we would actually have to pay our bill when it came so could she please stop wasting electricity(!!!!), she cut down to 4 nights a week.

3) She would steal our food. Duh, that’s part of being a roommate, but then she accused us of eating her food AND "TOLD" ON US TO HER DAD. Then he came over and yelled at us about it. Really?!

4) One time I caught her using Amber’s hair brush and curling iron so I called Amber at work and she rushed right home to yell at Freak about hygiene boundaries. This may sound excessively catty but just a few days before Amber found evidence that Freak had been using her loofa in the shower. It was a trend that needed to be stopped

So now that you are aware of the daily things we dealt with from our overly-coddled-by-her-parents-roommate, you’re ready for the story extraordinaire…

One night, Amber shared some dazzling words of wisdom with me. Our conversation was highly informative, for me, but what I didn’t realize was that someone else was gleaning from our discussion. 

Freak must have realized that Amber had some very sound logic and figured she needed to do some maintenance on her own Barbra Bush. 

It couldn’t have been more than a couple hours later that Amber went up to get ready for bed when the silence of the house was shattered by the bellowing sound of,


Now, the upcoming events were not necessarily intended for me to participate in, but you better believe I jumped up from whatever I was doing and rushed to the scene of the… well… I didn’t know what I would see but I was SO excited to be a witness to it!!

There was Amber, standing in the bathroom, shouting at Freak (who I was desperately trying to see around) while pointing at the tub. When I finally shimmied my way into the bathroom I beheld the most horrifying, amazing (in the, I’m-so-amazed-that-you-thought-this-was-ok-to-do, sort of way) and memorable sight. 

Apparently, and all my evidence is circumstantial (accept that she didn’t deny it), but apparently, Freak had taken Amber’s words to heart and decided she should do a vaggy trimming that night... While she was taking a bath… AND THEN SHE DIDN’T LET OUT THE BATHWATER!!!


It was a horrific, cream based, pube soup.


So, after Amber gets through yelling (which was epic and phenomenal and I’m so glad I had front row seats for the event) she tells Freak to clean out the bathtub. We left the room and proceed to bad mouth her from the living room. When Freak moseyed into the kitchen we ran upstairs to check on the finished product. 


*To her credit, that girl had some courage hidden in her 90 pound frame for her to, once again, answer the call and accept her scolding.*

You see, Freak’s simple solution to her hedge clippings fiasco; she just drained the tub and moved on so that she had more time to watch TV and eat a bowl of Fruit Loops. 


The tub was now speckled with her carpet fibers and soap scum.


I mean honestly, how did she think that was ok?

I want to feel bad that she moved out after only living with us for one month but, um, I'm not. She was a creeper who took all of our stuff to her parent’s house because she was “borrowing” it and “forgot” to bring it back.

Good riddance Freak, I hope you finally learned how to function without your Helicopter Parents' constant care. 

--Roommate horror stories are the best, please, please share!! 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If Lovin' Big Asses is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right

In response to my tribute to asses, Ben Atkinson Wrote:  this article (while obviously awesome), needs a follow-up for the dudes who have ladies in this predicament. We need advice on what to say, because we're currently in a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" quandary when that situation (eventually) arises. In other words, "HELP!"

After receiving Ben’s comment, I tried to answer him, but my mind grapes took me in another direction and instead I reflected upon the idiotic things that women do. In fact, I’ve TRIED to write this post for months and continue to write more and more advice for women on how to NOT be ridiculous and overly-sensitive. Maybe I’ll polish some of them up and post them, because they are really snarky and entertaining, but I’m finally going to make myself focus and help Ben out. My advice, while inspired by this comment, is generalizable for all men. You’re welcome. 

Step 1: Find yourself a lovely, non-crazy girl to dote on. These girls are an endangered species but as the lovely Margaret Ruth says All the Healthy, Joyful, Whole People Are All Running Around Dating, Mating and Relating with Each Other. (I cannot believe I just posted two links to a LOVE PSYCHIC, this blog is really sophisticated.) So according to her advice, make sure you are healthy, joyful, and whole and you will find a terrific girl who will allow you to move on to step 2. 

Step 2: Just be nice. That’s all. Do nice things. Say nice things. Treat her nicely and overall be nice. 

Step 3: Be consistent.
*Allow me to give you a crash course on Behavioral Modification*
-If she does things you like; praise her, thank her, and make her aware that you like these things.
-If she does something you don’t like; inform her that you don’t like it and then don’t tolerate her doing that again.
(Hint: This is exactly how you train a new puppy. Girls, this also works in training men)

Step 4: Be diligent. When she watches football with you and she lets you actually WATCH the game without making you try to also listen to a long winded storiesstory about her cat, then, during commercials thank her for letting you watch the game and tell her how happy you are that she is so cool. Then be sure to give her tons of attention until the game starts again. I guarantee she will keep her yapper shut through the rest of the game. 

Step 5: Don’t tolerate insanity in any form. If your lady love is insecure in your relationship (i.e. accusing you of cheating, closely monitoring your whereabouts, or invading your privacy on your phone, computer, etc.) don’t entertain it. Sincerely and sweetly tell her that she is the only girl for you. Tell her that she has nothing to worry about because you love her and no one else. Make her feel safe and secure in that initial conversation, and then never be drawn into the conversation again. Next time she brings it up tell her that you’ve already addressed her concerns and don’t give her the negative attention that she’s seeking. Then later, catch her being good and repeat Step 4.

Step 6: Have a healthy, joyful and whole relationship. (Margaret Ruth is so wise) Now that you are both learning to function in a healthy manor and treat each other wonderfully, you can rest assured that your relationship is open, honest and wonderful. In just 5 easy steps!!

You may be wondering how this answers Ben’s originally posed question. To answer this, let’s go through the steps together. 

1: If you need help finding an amazing girl, I have a plethora of lovely friends who will unwittingly be the victim of a set-up, just shoot send me an email, I’ll play matchmaker.
2: Take her out, make her feel lovely, rope her in with your charms.
3: Figure out what you like and don’t like in your newly developing R word.
4: Compliment her big ol’ derriere and tell her how much you love and adore its magnificence. Praise it up when it’s looking especially awesome; paying special attention to mention its large stature.
5: When she has the audacity to complain or lament her size (as all girls are wont to do) tell her sweetly and sincerely that you think she looks amazing and that as far as her ass is concerned, the bigger the better. Then the next time she brings it up, seeking your approval in a self-pitying manner, don’t tolerate it. She does not get your attention for being pathetic.
6: By this point you have set the precedence so that if she does start to lose the look you love, you are in a place to simply say, “Baby, I love you and I’m excited that you’ve taken up running, but you are losing too much weight and if your fanny shrinks any more we are going to have problems in our R word.”

She has heard you praise her junk so frequently that she will want to do whatever it takes to please you. I guarantee it. 

PS, this works with ANY behavior you want to keep or change. It works on men, women, children, and animals. You can get anyone to do exactly what you want them to do. Why do you think my boyfriend is so perfect?!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Irrational Fears

In preparation for Hurricane Irene sweeping through town we were doing the usual; buying too much water, stocking up on wine and condoms and pulling out the extra candles as we got ready to hunker down for the duration of the storm.

After the frenzy of preparation died down and we were lounging easily with our first glass of wine for the night, Dan tells me that his biggest concern about the storm is that we may be without power for a couple of days.

That's reasonable, but I wasn’t terribly concerned, so like the insensitive biddy that I am, asked him why? Was he concerned that the food would spoil? Because at any given point the only thing my fridge has in it is eggs, beer, milk and bread, not a big loss. Was he concerned that it would be dark? Did I mention the extra candles... so what was it?

His reply, "Being without power for several days."

Right... But what else?

"Being without power for several days!!!"

There had to be more... right?

I just didn’t understand, but I let him carry on with his fear of what I could only determine to be fear itself. I supported him outwardly, but mocked him inwardly; until a week later when I was resting easily on the beach and I saw this...

I was minding my own business, relaxing at the beach, when this plane had the audacity to fly by streaming this banner behind it.


Especially when being suspended in air behind a plane!! I was racked with anxious fear. I was scared to unreasonable proportions.


There are many reasons why I COULD be afraid. The banner could become detached from the plane and fall from the sky. It might get caught on something. The banner might even get tangled in a tree and be hard to get out.

Oh, my!!

These sure are unfortunate things to happen, sure, but they aren’t what causes me fear.

I am simply afraid that this banner exists at all.


That's it. That's what I'm afraid of... So, I guess I'll cut Dan a break for his perfectly legitimate  fear. He may have no reason behind being afraid of the power going out, but at least it's something worth worrying about. I have no reason to fear GIANT FLYING PAPER.

I'm not alone in my nonsensery, right? What is the most unreasonable fear you have? Leave me a comment about it, and the person with the worst fear will get a special gift from me! I'll fly a banner past your house that says "You're a Lily-Livered Ninny "

Just kidding, I would never torture you like that