Option 1: Eat your sorrows away
Like many of you out there, my job is insanely stressful. I often ask myself why I dedicated years of schooling, hours of volunteer work, 5 years professionally, and often my social life to TEENAGERS of all things!! They’re disrespectful, ungrateful and mean. But luckily I have developed three very effective coping mechanisms to deal with the pressure. I feel like you too can benefit from my scientifically proven method (warning: my sample size is one)
Step One: Find a store within walking distance from your work
Step Two: Walk to the store when you are feeling stressed. (Bonus: this gets you away from the office and out into the fresh air. Sometimes “fresh” is a bit of a reach, however)
Step Three: Buy the quantity of candy bars that reflect your level of stress.
Note: If you find yourself wanting to buy more than 4 candy bars, go directly home and proceed to Option 2.
Step Four: Always go to the same store so that the people behind the counter can judge you and your caloric intake
Step Five: Flirt with the man behind the counter so that maybe he’ll give you the goods for free.
Step Six: Go back to your office, close the door, and eat your feelings.
I don’t care what Oprah or Dr. Oz say, this shit works.