Thursday, May 26, 2011

Humility Killed the Cat

If you have followed my blog for any length of time you maaaaaaay have noticed that I have an above average amount of confidence in myself. I am not one who lacks in self-esteem. I think I’m pretty cool.

Basically it rocks being me.

Was I going somewhere with this?

Oh yes… Humility…

About four years ago I met a new friend who was startled by the abrasiveness of my lack of humility. I think she was terribly annoyed by what appeared to be my wreckless disregard for self awareness. She always said she was going to spoon feed me humility.
Humility on a Spoon

She asked me once, and I remember because I thought about it over and over,

“Are you really THAT confident?”

I take pride in my ability to self reflect and analyze my character, so I thought sincerely about her question. Do I really think I’m fantastic? Do I really have the confidence to conquer the world?

I’m going to share a little story…

In 8th grade I managed to piss off some huge girls with the obnoxious antics that are a natural part of who I am. They cornered me in the hall and belittled and berated me for (what felt like) 45 minutes. (Probably closer to 2½) I cried the rest of the day. A teacher even kicked me out of class because I couldn’t pull myself together. Sure I was upset from the encounter itself, but I was more frustrated with myself. While they were disparaging me, I wanted to stick up for myself. I shoulda/coulda/woulda told them that my offensive actions were entirely inadvertent. I intended to set the record straight that I in no way meant any harm, and that until this point, I was actually unaware of their existence. But alas, I was scared shitless and it took all the strength I could muster not to cry in front of them.

I walked away from that experience with a resolve never to allow others to intimidate me. I worked hard over the next few years to really shape who I was as a person. High school went entirely opposite for me than Jr. High. I realized that I deserve to be treated with respect and I would not stand from someone to treat me with anything less. This theory I will carry with me til the end. Oh sure, I still feel intimidated by things and people, but since this encounter I don’t let it affect my behavior. Putting up a front of confidence builds actual confidence. If I have to fake it till I make it, fine, but no one will ever dictate how I respond to them because they try to push me around.

So does that answer my friend’s question? Am I really THAT confident? I guess not, but it doesn’t matter. When I’m feeling nervous or scared I just remember…

Have you ever made a conscious decision to change who you are as a person?


Celestie said...

Jason bought that pillow.

And yes, I recently HAVE made a decision like that. :) I had some help realizing I needed to, but yes I have.

Savvy Pants said...

Good for you girl! Get some

Mom said...