Monday, May 16, 2011

The Snooze Championships

Snoozing should be an event in the Olympics. Maybe that’s a bit dramatic. At the very least it should be an event in a local decathlon. It could be the first event, and if executed correctly, the athlete would miss all the preceding events. Then that would be the ultimate winner…

And I would be that winner.

Let’s talk about my amazing snoozing skills. First of all, I cannot wake up to a buzzer. It’s too startling and upsetting. I don’t like being jolted awake so I set my phone to play soft, relaxing songs to gently cradle me into awareness.

Next I have to set my snooze for the 5 minute option ,because let’s face it, 9 minutes is WAY too long. In 9 minutes I’ll be fully submerged back into the zombie apocalypse with Hugh Jackman and that thing from Pan’s Labyrinth with eyes in its hands. Even in 5 minutes I’m able to return to the deathlike state that is my asleep, but I’m bit more aware. With 5 minutes, I know I’m dreaming so I convince Hugh to ignore the zombies and get on with the making out before Beyonce starts singing Halo for the fourth time this morning.

FOURTH TIME!! If she is coming at me for the fourth time that means I’ve snoozed for 20 minutes. That is long enough to make me late for whatever reason I set my alarm for in the first place.

Yet still, that wouldn’t even qualify me to compete in the Snooze Olympics. Luckily I’m not an amateur snoozer.

I will sleep in 5 minute intervals and pass my whole morning away, justifying the missing of meetings in my head, sending a random text to whomever I’m supposed to meet with an elaborate excuse as to why I can’t be there, and calling in “subway troubles” to continue my Hugh Jackman adventures. I have also been known to snooze for an hour and then RE-set my alarm for a later time, only to continue snoozing once it ultimately goes off again.

My current record for most times I’ve heard the opening notes for Halo is 36 (I think). I’m not very good at math so anyone that wants to check my work is welcome to do so. What 36 snooze pressings means in my calculations is 3 hours. All simple math aside, I know that I HAVE spent three hours of my morning sleeping in 5 minute intervals on one occasion.

*This was on a work day. On the weekends I will snooze for up to an hour before being honest with myself and turning off my alarm altogether.*

My Junior year Principles of Technology teacher, Mr. Campbell, said that sleeping that extra time doesn’t do anything for your body. Once you wake up, your body has received all the benefits it will get from sleep for the night and snoozing isn’t going to help you to gain any more energy. That isn’t really the point though, is it Mr. Campbell. The point is that I’m way too tired to get up and it feels so good WHILE I’m sleeping, long-term results be damned.

This is a terrible habit to be in! I set my alarm a half an hour early to try and account for my need to snooze, but it’s never enough. I almost wish the snooze button had never been invented. Can you imagine a world where your alarm goes off and you get out of bed? I see it happen in movies. I WISH I could have the power to make myself do it. I need to learn the secret behind getting out of bed, because apparently I don’t have the skills.

In the meantime, I will just take pride in my uncanny ability to continuously fall asleep over and over again in 5 minute intervals.


Megan said...

I have the same, exact's terrible.

James said...

I generally justify my not getting out of bed with the only logical legitimate reason for doing so...the person naked next to you.

Celestie said...

I'm not a snoozer, but Mr. Campbell has really depressed me and set me back a bit. That extra bit of sleep really does nothing? Oh my gosh. I really don't know what to even think about this. I'm...I'm at a loss.

Kristi Cartwright said...

First of all.... Sometimes Mr. Campbell is full of shit, I still liked the guy but it's a true story :) Second, I think you should get one of those "sunrise" lamp alarms... No jolting comes with this. The light slowly turns on and gets brighter making you feel like you're camping and the sun is rising. Doesn't that sound delightful?!

Lisa Marie said...

My brother Doug may give you some competition for this championship. He has missed so many important things due to snoozing that he has taken to setting 7 or 8 different alarms and placing them at different locations around the room so he has to get out of bed to turn them off. It doesn't really help that much though. One morning when we were in high school I went in to get him to leave for school and he was asleep, kneeling against his dresser.

Vana said...

James is definitaly on to something there!

Kristie, I will snooze until 11am when the real sun is actually up. It's no bueno!

Lisa, I gotta see that, he might be the winner.