Thursday, July 21, 2011

I’m Changing My Last Name to Applesauce

Savannah Applesauce has a nice ring to it.

Here’s the problem, I came into the world with a kick ass first name (no thanks to my dad who, were he to decide, would have named me Cassiopeia. Thank Troll my mom saved me from being a constellation that my dad mispronounces) The trouble I’ve had for the past 28 years lies in my last name.

Vincent left me with three major challenges for the first 20 years of my life.

Fail 1: I am embarrassed to admit this but I struggle pronouncing Vincent. There is something about the N and C combination that gets tangled in my mouth

Fail 2: Vincent is not as spectacular as Savannah. My first name could stand alone (much like my good friend Beyoncé) But alas, the world needs me to have a last name so that order can be maintained (Ladies and Gentlemen, Beyoncé Z)

Fail 3: Vincent is a first name (a problem I still face, but to a greater extent now) if a person at, let’s say, a doctor’s office, was just reading my name, they might call for a Mr. Vincent Savannah. Nope, not me.

Also, Vincent is WAY down there in the Alphabet, making me last for everything during my school years when that was the only reasonable way to get kids into a line.

The year 2003 rolled around and I had the pleasure of changing my last name.

Bonus 1: Lindsay is cute and left me with a super girly name. (If that kind of thing is important. Which it is)

Bonus 2: Major upgrade in the alphabet placement; right in the middle of any line. (Again, another thing that is important.)

Major Fail: Lindsay is a much more common first name than either Vincent or Savannah, plus it’s a woman’s name so it actually matches my face, (so to speak) so the name sticks in people’s head causing me to be called Lindsay by my coworkers right up to the day I quit. COME ON PEOPLE!! Do you really care so little about me that you won’t even try to remember that my name is actually Savannah?!!

It gets worse. Did you know that when you get divorced you have to change your last name at the same time you file for divorce? If you don’t (because you’re some sort of super idiot who can’t read) they will charge you an outrageous fee, give you all sorts of paperwork hell, and treat you as a very suspicious person as they scrutinize your reasons for needing a new last name. (yes I am an escaped convict immigrant who needs to change my identity thankyouverymuch)

So if you don’t change your name back immediately, you’re kind of stuck.

Fine. It’s fine, I can deal with that but when I go to the pharmacy could they PLEASE not be so terribly condescending to me when they can’t find my Rx because they filed it under S for Savannah. It’s not my fault they read Lindsay, Savannah and are complete jackasses.

Whew, let’s all take a minute to calm down shall we.

I thought about going through the trouble of changing my last name but I didn’t really want to go back to Vincent.

I contemplated using my middle name as my last name, which I like, but Savannah Rose is definitely the name of a girl who makes her money in $1 bills.

Savannah Rausch is my pen name and I obviously like it as well, but I don’t want it to be my legal name or that defeats the purpose of a pen name.

We’ve already discussed the no last name issue…

I often feel like I’m having a crisis of identity. A person’s last name tells them where they belong. I can’t tell where I belong sometimes. I don’t feel like I can fit myself into my designated category.

So… I guess that leaves me with the option of making up my own last name. That's an option in real life, you know.

Savannah Applesauce it is.

At least I’ve moved to the beginning of the alphabet!


Mom said...

Why not Savannah Pants? Hehe

Megan said...

Phew, I thought I was the only one who feels it's a mouthful to say "Vincent", when I say my last name, especially over the phone, I feel like I should spell it so they know exactly what I said, because it doesn't sound right when I say it.

Savvy Pants said...

Haha, I know, for some reason I feel like peopl shouldn't be able to understand Vincent... But they do. Every. Time.

akfawson said...

I think Savannah with any last name sounds good!And anyway it doesn't matter because we love you no matter what! It's other people's problem if they can't read whats a first name and whats a last. I share a similar problem that I was always embarrassed by my maiden name which is Dooley. There are sooo many nicknames that go along with that, not to mention the rhyming!

Celestie said...

Oh I'm dying to hear you say "Vincent" now.

Robin Lindsay said...

The Lindsay thing sure gets old, doesn't it? "Last name, please?" "Lindsay." *rolls eyes* "Your LAST name?" AUGH!

Savvy Pants said...

Right, as if we're too stupid to know that they will file our information under our last name.

Robin Lindsay said...

At my last job, I replaced a small, pale, dark haired twentysomething girl whose name was Lindsey. It was fantastic.

Mom said...

You think Vincent is bad, I have a hard time saying the 'd' and 'l' together in Sadler!