Thursday, July 7, 2011

An Owner's Manual for Women

It is a common, CONSTANT complaint from our wonderful, I-don’t-know-how-they-put-up-with-us, men that women are hard to understand, hard to figure out and even harder to please. Many a man has lamented  if they could only have an instruction manual to decipher these emotionally charged, erratic creatures, all of their problems would be solved.

My aunt told me about a woman who did just that. She wrote out all the things she needed her husband to do (and not do) for her to be properly maintained. He followed her manual and they were very happily married. It sounds like she might be some sort of difficult woman to deal with… and very demanding…

But the opposite was actually true.

In my experience, men want to do things to make their ladies happy. The place where women get confused is that they want their boyfriend/husband to just KNOW what they want. How many times have you heard (or said, if you’re a woman) “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you”. How does this statement help anyone? Men don’t go around pissing off their girlfriends/wives just for fun.

*I’m now raising my voice at you silly women*

Then these bewildered men say, “Just tell me what to do and I’ll do it.” Not because they are playing mind games, but because they really want to do the things you'd like them to do. Get this, they don’t want to make you happy just to shut you up, they actually want you to be happy! Weird.

*End raised voice… for now*

So, with this in mind, an instruction manual would be a great tool for guys to have, but I am remiss to say that I cannot provide this.

Alas, women are far too intricate and diverse to create one guide that is sufficient for everyone.

However, I CAN do what I do best; share witty anecdotes and sarcastic commentary to hopefully relay some sort of message and impart… what? wisdom?

My Sarcastic and Passionate Advice for Women:

*You better believe I’ve raised my voice again to the foolish, mind-boggling, confused hot messes that are the women of the world*

Tip 1) Say what is actually on your mind. If you’re mad because he accidentally called you Becky in a text message and you want to know who the hell Becky is… Don’t wait three days for a time when you’re having a nice dinner and he asks you if it’s cool that he go to the game this weekend instead of going to the quilting fair with you and you bust out, “Are you really going to the game or are you going out with Becky?”

Tip 2) Don’t say ‘Whatever’ or ‘Nothing’: Thissssssss probably falls under the same category as saying whatever is actually on your mind. Allow me to give you a little dialogue that you may be familiar with.

“Baby, you look upset, what’s wrong.” He asks lovingly

She says with a snide tone, “Nothing” while avoiding eye contact.

“Seriously, you look upset. Do you want me to skip the game?”


Bitch, just come out with it and say, “Who is Becky, and are you seeing someone else?”

Tip 3) Stop it, just, just stop it: Stop all of the idiotic game playing that has gotten you into the mess you’re in and, oh, I don’t know, act like a sane person. He probably called you Becky because of the T9 function or his fat ass fingers are too chubby to be texting. Relax woman, Becky isn’t a threat to you.

Tip 4) (Unrelated but still VERY relevant) If your man goes to the damn quilting fair with you he is some sort of saint that deserves all the love and sex and magic you can throw at him. Oh what, he doesn’t WANT to go and you would prefer him to want to go… Girl, it is good enough that he is going and probably means he loves you all the more because we all know he’d rather be at that game you made him miss.

My Sarcastic and Less Passionate (But still Legit) Advice for Men:

Tip 1) Just be nice. That’s all. Do nice things. Say nice things. Treat her nicely and overall be nice.

Tip 2) If your girl can’t follow the above mentioned advice, drop her like a sack of potatoes and get the hell out of crazy town.

I may have tricked you. Oops, sorry. I made it appear as though I was going to give you amazing advice on how to deal with your women, but instead I gave advice to women on how not to be psycho-pants. Maybe I’M playing mind games…

C’est La Vie.


Celestie said...

BAHAHAHAHAHAHA this makes me happy, and I'm giggling aloud. In public.

Anonymous said...

Becky says - you can be confidant girls. Your man is not seeing me.