Monday, August 29, 2011

How to Win a Girl’s Heart 101: Offer her a Polar Bear’s Head

Posted in Research by AURUM3 NewTech on July 9th, 2011

So continues our saga of interpreting one of my favorite movies as we see just how big of a nerd this Gilmore Girl’s watching, Settlers of Catan playing, Savvy-Pants really is…

Every great adventure starts by having sex with a princess who’s been tricked into being a witches slave. 

Fast forward eighteen years and her son (our soon to be hero but currently just a bumbling idiot) is having his own struggle trying to win his lady love. He’s tried all he can think of, but his fair maiden isn’t interested in the things he has to offer. Well then, the only thing left to do is get her the star that has fallen from the sky. Which is WAY father than Ipswich. JustSoYouKnow.

The fastest way to travel is by candle light and luckily for this Shop Boy, he happens to have just that because his mother was a witches slave so she has access to all sorts of malicious goodies. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, this poor lad has never met his mother. 

Off he goes to get this star and convince her to come and be a gift for his true love because, as you know, the only way to win a girl’s heart is to give her gifts. Take a memo boys! (Author’s note: please don’t give me gifts; I’m awkward at receiving them. I prefer kisses. Lots of kisses)

Would you believe it, the star does not WANT to be a gift for this silly girl and would instead prefer to work on getting herself back in the sky. Selfish, is what that is. After bargaining the remainder of his Babylon Candle for her to get home, if she will first do him this favor, she agrees to make an appearance for Tits McGee.
And away they go. 

If you’ll remember they are being pursued by a witch with an evil agenda so that complicates things a bit. After a bit of a scuffle, he lights the remainder of his Babylon Candle and tells her to think of home. This gets them safely out of the grasp of the evil witch.

However heroic he was for getting them out of danger, this move makes our lovable hero a super jerk because A) he promised this candle to her so that she could get home and now he’s wasted it but he STILL expects her hold up her end of the bargain to be a birthday gift. And B) he told her to think of home, which she did, but he thought of his own home which landed them stranded on a cloud in the middle of a storm. Men suck.

Luckily for him there is a passing ship out collecting lightning that picks them up and save them from the storm... and themselves…. 

And here, ladies and gentlemen, we meet my favorite character of this movie and maybe of all the movies there are; Captain Shakesphere!! Oh how I love this gay pirate, I could write a whole post just on him. This well-crafted, amazingly played character has been working hard on his reputation, because you know, they take a lifetime to build, seconds to destroy. Whoopsie…

After our Loveable Whoopsie turns the bumbling boy into a hero worthy of winning the heart of a star, we get a fabulous scene of him dancing in his underwear. Awesome.

He then helps the daft boy to realize his TRUE love is not the spoiled brat who wants presents and favors, but the damn star who he is obviously head over heels for. Sometimes men just need to be told what they think.

Let’s pause here and talk about another why reason I like this movie. The love story is believable because it takes time to develop and you get to see and feel it happen. This is my biggest complaint about that joke of a love story in August Rush. I know everyone loved that movie but if you’re honest with yourself, it’s just because Freddy Highmore is a genius child actor who plays the guitar in an exciting and inventive way. The rest of the plot is an insult to the process of love. But, you know, that’s just my opinion. 

Hem, hem... Let’s get back on track and jump right to the end of the movie where it all gets good. First, our dashing hero is reunited with his mother after all these years. Then he is reunified with his shining star (because she was kidnapped by the witch during the part I skipped so that we could hurry up with the love part). They have a fancy shmancy fight where she uses magic and he uses cunning trickery to beat her. Spoiler Alert: The star is the one who actually saves the day at the end. 

Because he is a direct heir to the throne he is made king of the land and get's to live happily ever after. Forever. And here’s the best part, he didn’t have to EAT his star's heart, she gave it to him through the magical powers of love so they BOTH lived forever.

I love love.

Other things I love about this movie:
Squirrels pretending to want cheese to hear professions of love, you smell of pee and you look like the wrong end of a dog, bubbling candle, and a 90 year old ninja.

What other things do YOU love about this movie? I worry that I love it too much for a woman of my age and intelligence.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Catch a Fallen Star and Put it in Your Pocket

I told you that I was going to recapture my favorite movies and explain why they are SO fabulously captivating (to my wonky brain anyway). This movie is my second favorite movie of all time and it is so wonderfully woven of a tale that upon extensive examination I’ve decided I cannot do it justice in one pop. So, over the next three posts I will diligently try capture this outlandish affair. Enjoy.

This part of the tale is a classic story of witches being bitches. Just a few catty sisters who need to keep their youthfulness. Oil of Olay is out, cutting out the heart of a star and eating it, is in. 

Here is my guide to catching yourself some eternal youth and beauty. 

When a star falls from the heavens and lands on earth the only problem is finding where she landed and where the hell she off to? She's not going to stay in one place, and a lot of people will be after her. Don’t worry, you have some magic runes. Also, did you know you can tell the future by cutting open a ferret and looking at its small intestine? I mean, I learned a lot from Professor Trelawney but I had no idea divination included animal cruelty. 

The star is surprisingly quick and crafty for someone who isn’t used to being awake during the daytime and seems to have a broken leg, so walking just isn’t quick enough to keep up with her. You’ll have to buy a goat from a stable boy to pull your wagon. He may be too slow though so just for safe measure, you will also need to turn the stable boy into a goat. You can then fashion them both to the cart and have them haul your ass around the kingdom.

As a witch, if you are STILL unable to catch a fallen star, even with your resourceful goat wagon device, you have options. One of those options is to materialize an Inn and turn the goat into your husband and the stable boy into your daughter. It’s been a big day for that poor stable boy. 

Now that you have an Inn and people to work there, when the star needs to come in from the rain you can fix her a bath and give her a naked massage. I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll materialize an Inn out of thin air right now. That sounds awesome. 

Once your star is fully relaxed then you can kill her and, the point of it all, eat her heart and be youthful once again. Because let’s face it, all of this magic use has really put a damper on the youthfulness left over from the last star-heart-consumption and by this time you’re looking a little more wicked witch of the west and a little less Glinda.

But, just when the star is nice and happy and you are about to Hannibal Lecter her up, the doorbell rings. It just so happens to be another person on a quest to get YOUR star. This whole deal would be a lot easier if everyone could just leave you in peace. There is a simple solution to getting rid of him. Set him up in a bath of his own and just go ahead and slit his throat. Once he’s out of the way the star is all yours.

Now where were we? Oh yes, Let’s move on to the heart cutting shall we, but damn it she has a stupid boy protecting her because HE thinks he gets to keep the her as well. This is what I’m saying, there are so many people after this star, but he isn’t even going to eat her heart. What. A. Waste!

Let’s jump to the end here and get to the final battle scene. We’re all rooting for you to eat this heart right now because you are looking like Miss Ellie. So, let’s have a battle sequence where you use a dead prince as a puppet and throw out some dramatic magical smashing of mirrors. Use whatever magic you have left in your old bones and kick some Shop Boy ass and get your star!

Spoiler Alert: Stars shine very bright and if they are so inclined to do so, you’re toast. Mmmm, yummy toast, but my love of warmed bread aside, a brightly shining star will completely obliterate you. Sorry. 

Other things I love about this movie:
Ditchwater Sal, Empusa, Ferdy the Fence, Humphrey, 2 faced dogs and a merchant with the voice of a chicken.

So everyone… What movie is this? 

Also, please tell me you love this incredible, nonsensical and whimsy-tastic movie as much as I do, because I’m afraid I might just be a giant nerd!!

Monday, August 22, 2011

What if This Train Were a Hostage Movie?

Living in New York finds me on the Subway more than any other mode of transportation. It’s good though; it’s cheap, practically effortless, and frees up my hands and mind during the commute to do other things. I am LITERALLY writing this while on my way to Brooklyn. Believe it. 

Being on the train so much also makes me need to get creative with the time. It’s one thing to put in my ipod, listen to a little Adele, and write my next great blog post in the interim, but when traveling with other people this is hardly courteous. My boyfriend, Dan, and I frequently travel together and although we could win the Chit-Chat-Patty-Wack award (it’s a real award… in my mind) with our conversation abilities, sometimes there just isn’t much to say. Instead of staring at each other like the couple who is on the last leg of their relationship, we make up little games. 

I’m getting rather good at The Movie Game, but if I’m honest I cheat about 86% of the time. (Dan, this is a lie to make my blog funny, I never cheat) My favorite game as of late is

What if This Train Were in a Hostage Movie?
Ever heard of it? You should definitely play on a train/bus near you. Here’s how you play.

Before you begin, you have to have the optimum train make-up. 

This has to be when the train is A) fairly empty so that there is the ability to move around without difficulty. The late evening is usually best. The train also has to be B) full enough that there are enough people to play with and C) have a diverse group. If you have all of these components you are ready to play. 

The game itself, consists of assigning roles to the players.

You have to start (of course) by assigning the hero: Usually the hero is an obvious Daniel Craig from James Bond type, but sometimes he will be an unwitting Denzel Washington from Taking of Pelham 123 type (which just happens to be a hostage movie that takes place in the subway in New York… irony) Sometimes Dan gets to be the hero, but usually he’s the guy trying to think of an elaborate plan or else he’s too busy checking Twitter to notice we’re even being held hostage in the first place.

Next (naturally) you have to assign the hero’s female love interest: This can’t be a girl dressed to slutty, or too plain. She has to be pretty without knowing it and confident but kind of whimpy. She also has to be right in the middle of heroine and damsel in distress. Sometimes I get to be the love interest but usually I want to be the girl that shoots the bad guy in the knee cap when the hero knocks the gun out of his hand. 
Once you have the starring roles then you can start finding back up players.

The punk-ass smart-mouthed fool: This guy is going to give off lots of lip and attitude and the whole time you will be wondering if he’ll switch sides. Luckily those are in abundance in New York 

The comic relief: This guy will be in his mid-twenties and feel so invincible that he won’t worry about repercussions as he cracks jokes through the entire ordeal. He makes everyone feel more relaxed during the terrible situation and is so funny the bad guys let him carry on. 

Leather clad douche-bag: This guy will THINK he’s the hero of the day but after his very first reckless move early on, he will get shot in the arm and spend the rest of the movie whimpering in the corner. 

Pregnant Lady: If you can get an obviously pregnant lady you are in the money! This is the gold mine for the hostage game. Somewhere towards the end of negotiations she will go into labor and the bad guys will have a moment of compassion and work out a way to trade her out of the car. Of course the leather clad douche-bag will say that he deserves to be traded because he’s been shot but this will just make everyone hate him more. Then I’ll kick him in his arm and he can continue whimpering in the corner.

Mother and child: Sure we have a pregnant lady, but we need the child and his overprotective mother. A baby in arms is fine if that’s all you have, but a spunky 9 year old is the best. 

If you have all these players, you have yourself a game. One or two of the extras doesn’t hurt either.

Extras: An elderly person, a nun or rabbi, a skanky girl or a passel of skanky girls, a foreigner who doesn’t speak English and just has a franticly puzzled look on their face the entire time, and an over reacting rich man who tries to bribe his way out. 

Sure this game involves quick judgment of people we don’t know, but if you are already prone to people watching and playing What’s Their Life Story then you are fully equipped and prepared to play. 

Finding the perfect train car is hard to do because there are always a few missing elements or key players. 

Only once did Dan and I find the perfect combination. All of the elements were in order and we had the perfect combination of players. To top it off, the spunky 9 year old had a Justin Bieber quality that added a little something extra to the mix. We were so impressed and excited to find the perfect train that there was nothing left to do but tell everyone to hit the deck and try to negotiate for $100 million in unmarked bills.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Remember the Time I Apologized for being such a Slacker

Hello my lovelies!

I want to take a minute to say that I am terribly sorry for my absence! I appreciate every single one of you who take the time out of your day to jump inside my head and swim around a bit. You are all courageous souls who deserve a big fat hug for all of your support and bravery. I don't mean to neglect you. I'll join Zyler in timeout now.

But I've been working on big things...

In December of 2009 I wrote my first complete novel and finished it just two months later in February of 2010. Since then I have been laboriously, yet lethargically, editing the content. I have recently found myself with copious amounts of free time and decided to take two weeks to dedicate myself to diligently doing edits and rewrites. I am almost done now and will be sending it off to agents. Everyone bow down to the All Mighty Troll for me!!

While this rewrite process is happening I've been spending hours and hours a day working on my book and when I finally call it good, I am creatively spent for the day with no desire to write another word. For this I am so sorry to you, my wonderful followers-of-the-madness.

I promise I'll be back in action and ready to fully dazzle your eye-buds with some delicious posts next week. I have some silly things in the works... Please see me again next Monday!

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Welcome to the Heights

Welcome to Washington Heights. Let me take you on a tour of my neighborhood.

This is my apartment. Isn’t she a cute one? She’s quite large for a New York dwelling and decorated at the hands of yours truly. She makes for a happy home, and when shared with a loud Hungarian who owns a 17 year old incontinent cat, the good times never stop.


Do you hear that? Dinner must be ready.


That means it’s time for the poofy haired hooligan (I say hooligan with love, the poofy haired kid is my favorite) at 4C to go home. He’s probably outside, but that doesn’t mean his mom shouldn’t scream for him, the building carries sound very well.

For Example, when someone, anyone, is playing music in their apartment, the whole building gets to share in the lovely melodies. It’s especially delightful when I get to dance to one song in my bedroom and cook to another song in the kitchen. I never need to turn on my own music. Thanks neighbors!

Psst, I also never need to smoke my own marijuana because someone else will do it for me and share the aroma. It’s really quite thoughtful of them.

If we take a step outside I’ll show you to the pool. It’s really convenient that I have a pool on my block that is open ALL the time! I can go in the middle of the night, or even while it’s raining. However, on especially hot days the pool is really crowded.

If you need to buy groceries in my neighborhood, you’re in luck there are a lot of stores in the area. My building is on top of a deli which makes delicious sandwiches and has one ply toilet paper. This is also where my novio works. (Although, I don’t see the point in having an extra boyfriend if he doesn’t give me any free stuff.)

This is just a small corner store though so if they don’t have what you are looking for you can hop on over to the cat pee store that is only half a block away. Here you have a selection of warm milks and overly fragrant meats. Of all the cat pee stores though, I must say this one has the most adorable cat. If he’s not in the store taking care of the rat problem you can often find him on the street eating garbage.

If you still need a bigger selection, just three blocks down Broadway is a larger store where you can generally find everything you need, except so far, hollandaise sauce and chow mien noodles, but who do I think I am trying to be fancy.

Let’s swing around and head back up to my apartment and walk along St Nicholas Ave. I like walking on St. Nick because, analyzing the data, it is clear that I am better looking on this street.

If this isn’t evidence, I don’t know what is. I’m even more attractive than on the subway platform and I am ALWAYS getting hit on while waiting for the train… Or on the train…

As we head back to my apartment sidestep that guy talking to himself, plug your nose right here, and try to avoid that throw up.

I’d also like you to take note of the couple having an intense argument through the window. I have a theory about these two. You see, they are just so in love and filled with La Passi὚n that they express their love by chasing each other around with baseball bats. Sometimes their love gets so intense that he needs to leave to give them both space to cool down. But as he’s leaving she yearns for more time and beckons him through the window, “STOP! We can’t leave it like this.” He's too angry to come inside, but is so locked in the heat of the moment that he stands right there on the street and tells her how he feels. Loudly. Angrily.

Well, there you have it. Washington Heights, where bras double as shirts and lawn chairs were made for sidewalk parlors. Hope you enjoyed the tour, please come back and see me soon.

Monday, August 1, 2011

I'm a Shampoo Snob

I try to keep my pretentiousness to a minimum. I come from a humble upbringing so I was never in the habit of being snooty, but as I started making money for myself I decided I was going to do/buy/possess certain things. As I’ve matured and realized those "things" aren’t important, I’ve found my way back to being a sensible person.

I don’t avoid any particular places to shop based on where they are located or what “type of people” shop there.

*Only exception: dumpster diving. I won’t do it. And as I learned on Hoarders the other night, some consider this shopping.*

I also don’t think I’m too good to live in West Valley City or Washington Heights. In fact, I don’t think I’m too good to live anywhere really. I’m even willing to try a cardboard box. I’ve often found that the best neighbors come from the more humble neighborhoods. Imagine that.

I’m not someone who is impressed by labels or brands. I don’t have to buy Tide when the generic brand will suffice. As far as clothing is concerned, I may actually be conceited in the opposite direction. I won’t buy things from Hollister, Ambercrombie, J. Crew and the like. (Although I learned in Sunday School that this is still exhibiting pride, and pride is of the devil. What’s a girl to do?)

HOWEVER… There are some things I can’t help but be a snob about. It’s pitiful, but I can’t bring myself to care. I know that even the most hippy, granola, earth friendly schmucks of the world can still relate on some level. There are just certain products that make us draw our snob line in the retail sand.

I’d like to share two examples if you don’t mind.

1) Shampoo: I have to use salon quality shampoo (‘have’ being my justifying word) My hair is constantly being bleached, dyed, blow dried, straightened or flat ironed and it needs quality repair. My shampoo is expensive and I could sponsor a child for 2 months at the cost of one bottle of shampoo. It’s shameful but I need (another justifier) proper hydration and pH balance for my locks


2) Jeans: I haven’t bought myself a crock-pot which would seriously benefit me and everyone I cook for because they are *gasp* $40! but I will drop $100 on a pair of jeans without blinking an eye. I know why I do it, but it still doesn’t make it right. I buy expensive jeans as a gift to awkward teenage Savannah who couldn’t afford to have jeans that were a) long enough to cover my ankles and 2) anywhere close to being in style. I struggled in the clothing department as an adolescent restricted to second hand stores and hand-me-downs so I somehow think I owe it to myself to have good pants now-days even though I know I could buy a few cows for little Seny’s whole village at that price.

That’s not too bad in the grand scheme of pretentious purchases, but still, these are extravagances that I will NOT budge on. Now that I’m not making the big bucks anymore I was trying out my new frugality and bought a pair of jean capri’s that cost a whole $12. Good for me! I was so proud of my new cheap, stylish, tight, pinchy, awful, now-I-remember-why-I-shop-at-the-Buckle-and-not-some-ridiculous-kid-trendy-store, jeans. Stupid cheap pants.

I will continue to be a Jeans Snob and live in comfort with my healthy shiny hair.

People I need to know what items make YOU a snob.