Thursday, September 8, 2011

8 Reason Why I Don’t Want a New Boyfriend

So my boyfriend, who we’ll call Dan for the purpose of this blog, is quite the find. It takes a special person who can tolerate my level of crazy, but who is also not so intensely dull that I want to stab myself in the ankle with a carrot. Finding someone who meets these two requirements is remarkably hard. Now that I’ve found someone, I have to do all that I can to fool him into thinking that I am also a catch. It’s hard work trying to keep all the crazy inside.

The following are reasons I came up with during an especially nutso moment (2:00am to be precise) as to why I will do all I can to keep him around.

8. I’ve said it before, I’m a grandma. I don't like change and I don’t like getting used to new things. So, in this regard I'm just lazy but that's as good a reason as any to hang on to the guy, right?

7.  I eat a lot. A LOT. I don’t like to eat more than other people because I'm a girl, of course. I had a boyfriend once who ate like a little bird and would never order his own ice cream and say that he would just "share some of mine". On no you don't buddy, get your own. Dan can eat me under the table any day, and often win money doing it.

6. I like to cuddle. But let’s be serious, sleeping time is sleeping time and you need to be in your own space while I’m in mine and don’t even think about letting your feet creep onto my side of the bed because I will hit you “in my sleep” if you touch my feet. Dan hasn't gotten the hang of keeping his feet on his own damn side of the bed (yet) but let's face it, he's so cute I let it slide. 

5. You may not notice because of my stunning good looks or my sparkling personality, and I do the best I can to be witty and charming to distract you, but I am incredibly awkward. My social skills rival Dungeons and Dragons nerds. I'm still not sure how I got a second date with Dan after my awkward overly-enthusiastic-hug-goodbye-then-mad-dash-for-the-subway, but he seems to find my social inadequacies endearing. Win for me.

4. I know everything. Everything. (Oh, and I’m always right). It’s exhausting to be so knowledgeable all of the time. I definitely have to date smart men… or at least men who think they know as much as I think I know. Either Dan is terribly convincing of the knowledge that he makes up on the spot, or he really is a super genius, but he is ALWAYS right and he knows everything. I am in awe (or terribly naive) 

3. I once went on a date with a grown ass man wearing Heelies! The whole date was rather bizarre, but when he rolled down the aisle to retrieve an item, I knew he would never have the pleasure of seeing me again. Are you hearing me? He was wearing Heelies… Sneakers with wheels made for lazy adolescents. Do you understand what I'm saying? I just can’t go back to dating. I'm just going to stay here safely with Dan and his feet all up in my business.

2. I am very enthusiastic. All. The. Time. I think everything is an exciting and fantastic idea. I don’t need people to think my brilliant ideas are as wonderful to them as they are to me, because I DO know they're crazy, but I do need my enthusiasm to be matched. If I say (in a shrill, excited voice), “Let’s-hitch-hike-to-Puerto-Rico-right-now-and-never-come-back-and-change-our-names-to-Ceramic-Pot-and- Monkey-Wrench.” Dan does an excellent job of having an equally shrill and enthusiastic tone as he says, “Savannah-honey-we-can’t-do-that-because-it’s-crazy-but-I-love-you-anyway-let’a-go-get-a-cheeseburger-instead.”

1. Oh yeah, and I really love Dan. (That’s all the mushy details you’ll get from me on the matter)

It’s clearly evident that I am lucky even to have friends, let alone a boyfriend. Dan certainly puts up with a lot…  Maybe I should work a little harder to not be such a barrel of monkeys inside a toaster oven.

Just so we're clear, I'm one dramatic episode away from a trip to Bellevue and I am so lucky to have found someone who finds that attractive. Keeper.


Keem said...

Don't you make fun of Dungeon and Dragon nerds. I married one ;)

A Bunch of Roaches said...

Sounds like a keeper. By the way I read your blog all the time. You are hilarious and smart, and it makes me happy.
Christine (Slack) Roach

Kristie said...

Barrel of monkeys inside a toaster oven? Ya. New favorite thing.

Savvy Pants said...

Keem, I love your Dungeons and Dragons nerd of a husband!

Christine, thanks for the compliment! It means a lot!

Kristie, feel free to quote me any time :)

Lara said...

Grown ass man wearing heelies wasn't even the craziest of guys you dated! Back in the day, I didn't even need to date. I just lived vicariously through your insane dating experiences!