I told you that I was going to recapture my favorite movies and explain why they are SO fabulously captivating (to my wonky brain anyway). This movie is my second favorite movie of all time and it is so wonderfully woven of a tale that upon extensive examination I’ve decided I cannot do it justice in one pop. So, over the next three posts I will diligently try capture this outlandish affair. Enjoy.
This part of the tale is a classic story of witches being bitches. Just a few catty sisters who need to keep their youthfulness. Oil of Olay is out, cutting out the heart of a star and eating it, is in.
Here is my guide to catching yourself some eternal youth and beauty.
When a star falls from the heavens and lands on earth the only problem is finding where she landed and where the hell she off to? She's not going to stay in one place, and a lot of people will be after her. Don’t worry, you have some magic runes. Also, did you know you can tell the future by cutting open a ferret and looking at its small intestine? I mean, I learned a lot from Professor Trelawney but I had no idea divination included animal cruelty.
The star is surprisingly quick and crafty for someone who isn’t used to being awake during the daytime and seems to have a broken leg, so walking just isn’t quick enough to keep up with her. You’ll have to buy a goat from a stable boy to pull your wagon. He may be too slow though so just for safe measure, you will also need to turn the stable boy into a goat. You can then fashion them both to the cart and have them haul your ass around the kingdom.
As a witch, if you are STILL unable to catch a fallen star, even with your resourceful goat wagon device, you have options. One of those options is to materialize an Inn and turn the goat into your husband and the stable boy into your daughter. It’s been a big day for that poor stable boy.
Now that you have an Inn and people to work there, when the star needs to come in from the rain you can fix her a bath and give her a naked massage. I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll materialize an Inn out of thin air right now. That sounds awesome.
Once your star is fully relaxed then you can kill her and, the point of it all, eat her heart and be youthful once again. Because let’s face it, all of this magic use has really put a damper on the youthfulness left over from the last star-heart-consumption and by this time you’re looking a little more wicked witch of the west and a little less Glinda.
But, just when the star is nice and happy and you are about to Hannibal Lecter her up, the doorbell rings. It just so happens to be another person on a quest to get YOUR star. This whole deal would be a lot easier if everyone could just leave you in peace. There is a simple solution to getting rid of him. Set him up in a bath of his own and just go ahead and slit his throat. Once he’s out of the way the star is all yours.
Now where were we? Oh yes, Let’s move on to the heart cutting shall we, but damn it she has a stupid boy protecting her because HE thinks he gets to keep the her as well. This is what I’m saying, there are so many people after this star, but he isn’t even going to eat her heart. What. A. Waste!
Let’s jump to the end here and get to the final battle scene. We’re all rooting for you to eat this heart right now because you are looking like Miss Ellie. So, let’s have a battle sequence where you use a dead prince as a puppet and throw out some dramatic magical smashing of mirrors. Use whatever magic you have left in your old bones and kick some Shop Boy ass and get your star!
Spoiler Alert: Stars shine very bright and if they are so inclined to do so, you’re toast. Mmmm, yummy toast, but my love of warmed bread aside, a brightly shining star will completely obliterate you. Sorry.
Other things I love about this movie:
Ditchwater Sal, Empusa, Ferdy the Fence, Humphrey, 2 faced dogs and a merchant with the voice of a chicken.
So everyone… What movie is this?
Also, please tell me you love this incredible, nonsensical and whimsy-tastic movie as much as I do, because I’m afraid I might just be a giant nerd!!