Monday, August 29, 2011

How to Win a Girl’s Heart 101: Offer her a Polar Bear’s Head

Posted in Research by AURUM3 NewTech on July 9th, 2011

So continues our saga of interpreting one of my favorite movies as we see just how big of a nerd this Gilmore Girl’s watching, Settlers of Catan playing, Savvy-Pants really is…

Every great adventure starts by having sex with a princess who’s been tricked into being a witches slave. 

Fast forward eighteen years and her son (our soon to be hero but currently just a bumbling idiot) is having his own struggle trying to win his lady love. He’s tried all he can think of, but his fair maiden isn’t interested in the things he has to offer. Well then, the only thing left to do is get her the star that has fallen from the sky. Which is WAY father than Ipswich. JustSoYouKnow.

The fastest way to travel is by candle light and luckily for this Shop Boy, he happens to have just that because his mother was a witches slave so she has access to all sorts of malicious goodies. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves, this poor lad has never met his mother. 

Off he goes to get this star and convince her to come and be a gift for his true love because, as you know, the only way to win a girl’s heart is to give her gifts. Take a memo boys! (Author’s note: please don’t give me gifts; I’m awkward at receiving them. I prefer kisses. Lots of kisses)

Would you believe it, the star does not WANT to be a gift for this silly girl and would instead prefer to work on getting herself back in the sky. Selfish, is what that is. After bargaining the remainder of his Babylon Candle for her to get home, if she will first do him this favor, she agrees to make an appearance for Tits McGee.
And away they go. 

If you’ll remember they are being pursued by a witch with an evil agenda so that complicates things a bit. After a bit of a scuffle, he lights the remainder of his Babylon Candle and tells her to think of home. This gets them safely out of the grasp of the evil witch.

However heroic he was for getting them out of danger, this move makes our lovable hero a super jerk because A) he promised this candle to her so that she could get home and now he’s wasted it but he STILL expects her hold up her end of the bargain to be a birthday gift. And B) he told her to think of home, which she did, but he thought of his own home which landed them stranded on a cloud in the middle of a storm. Men suck.

Luckily for him there is a passing ship out collecting lightning that picks them up and save them from the storm... and themselves…. 

And here, ladies and gentlemen, we meet my favorite character of this movie and maybe of all the movies there are; Captain Shakesphere!! Oh how I love this gay pirate, I could write a whole post just on him. This well-crafted, amazingly played character has been working hard on his reputation, because you know, they take a lifetime to build, seconds to destroy. Whoopsie…

After our Loveable Whoopsie turns the bumbling boy into a hero worthy of winning the heart of a star, we get a fabulous scene of him dancing in his underwear. Awesome.

He then helps the daft boy to realize his TRUE love is not the spoiled brat who wants presents and favors, but the damn star who he is obviously head over heels for. Sometimes men just need to be told what they think.

Let’s pause here and talk about another why reason I like this movie. The love story is believable because it takes time to develop and you get to see and feel it happen. This is my biggest complaint about that joke of a love story in August Rush. I know everyone loved that movie but if you’re honest with yourself, it’s just because Freddy Highmore is a genius child actor who plays the guitar in an exciting and inventive way. The rest of the plot is an insult to the process of love. But, you know, that’s just my opinion. 

Hem, hem... Let’s get back on track and jump right to the end of the movie where it all gets good. First, our dashing hero is reunited with his mother after all these years. Then he is reunified with his shining star (because she was kidnapped by the witch during the part I skipped so that we could hurry up with the love part). They have a fancy shmancy fight where she uses magic and he uses cunning trickery to beat her. Spoiler Alert: The star is the one who actually saves the day at the end. 

Because he is a direct heir to the throne he is made king of the land and get's to live happily ever after. Forever. And here’s the best part, he didn’t have to EAT his star's heart, she gave it to him through the magical powers of love so they BOTH lived forever.

I love love.

Other things I love about this movie:
Squirrels pretending to want cheese to hear professions of love, you smell of pee and you look like the wrong end of a dog, bubbling candle, and a 90 year old ninja.

What other things do YOU love about this movie? I worry that I love it too much for a woman of my age and intelligence.


Kimberly Krey said...

Love the name of your blog! Looking forward to reading more. :)

Celestie said...

Really, the thing I love most about this movie is Robert DeNiro. I hope he won some amazing award for his brilliant role.