Monday, August 22, 2011

What if This Train Were a Hostage Movie?

Living in New York finds me on the Subway more than any other mode of transportation. It’s good though; it’s cheap, practically effortless, and frees up my hands and mind during the commute to do other things. I am LITERALLY writing this while on my way to Brooklyn. Believe it. 

Being on the train so much also makes me need to get creative with the time. It’s one thing to put in my ipod, listen to a little Adele, and write my next great blog post in the interim, but when traveling with other people this is hardly courteous. My boyfriend, Dan, and I frequently travel together and although we could win the Chit-Chat-Patty-Wack award (it’s a real award… in my mind) with our conversation abilities, sometimes there just isn’t much to say. Instead of staring at each other like the couple who is on the last leg of their relationship, we make up little games. 

I’m getting rather good at The Movie Game, but if I’m honest I cheat about 86% of the time. (Dan, this is a lie to make my blog funny, I never cheat) My favorite game as of late is

What if This Train Were in a Hostage Movie?
Ever heard of it? You should definitely play on a train/bus near you. Here’s how you play.

Before you begin, you have to have the optimum train make-up. 

This has to be when the train is A) fairly empty so that there is the ability to move around without difficulty. The late evening is usually best. The train also has to be B) full enough that there are enough people to play with and C) have a diverse group. If you have all of these components you are ready to play. 

The game itself, consists of assigning roles to the players.

You have to start (of course) by assigning the hero: Usually the hero is an obvious Daniel Craig from James Bond type, but sometimes he will be an unwitting Denzel Washington from Taking of Pelham 123 type (which just happens to be a hostage movie that takes place in the subway in New York… irony) Sometimes Dan gets to be the hero, but usually he’s the guy trying to think of an elaborate plan or else he’s too busy checking Twitter to notice we’re even being held hostage in the first place.

Next (naturally) you have to assign the hero’s female love interest: This can’t be a girl dressed to slutty, or too plain. She has to be pretty without knowing it and confident but kind of whimpy. She also has to be right in the middle of heroine and damsel in distress. Sometimes I get to be the love interest but usually I want to be the girl that shoots the bad guy in the knee cap when the hero knocks the gun out of his hand. 
Once you have the starring roles then you can start finding back up players.

The punk-ass smart-mouthed fool: This guy is going to give off lots of lip and attitude and the whole time you will be wondering if he’ll switch sides. Luckily those are in abundance in New York 

The comic relief: This guy will be in his mid-twenties and feel so invincible that he won’t worry about repercussions as he cracks jokes through the entire ordeal. He makes everyone feel more relaxed during the terrible situation and is so funny the bad guys let him carry on. 

Leather clad douche-bag: This guy will THINK he’s the hero of the day but after his very first reckless move early on, he will get shot in the arm and spend the rest of the movie whimpering in the corner. 

Pregnant Lady: If you can get an obviously pregnant lady you are in the money! This is the gold mine for the hostage game. Somewhere towards the end of negotiations she will go into labor and the bad guys will have a moment of compassion and work out a way to trade her out of the car. Of course the leather clad douche-bag will say that he deserves to be traded because he’s been shot but this will just make everyone hate him more. Then I’ll kick him in his arm and he can continue whimpering in the corner.

Mother and child: Sure we have a pregnant lady, but we need the child and his overprotective mother. A baby in arms is fine if that’s all you have, but a spunky 9 year old is the best. 

If you have all these players, you have yourself a game. One or two of the extras doesn’t hurt either.

Extras: An elderly person, a nun or rabbi, a skanky girl or a passel of skanky girls, a foreigner who doesn’t speak English and just has a franticly puzzled look on their face the entire time, and an over reacting rich man who tries to bribe his way out. 

Sure this game involves quick judgment of people we don’t know, but if you are already prone to people watching and playing What’s Their Life Story then you are fully equipped and prepared to play. 

Finding the perfect train car is hard to do because there are always a few missing elements or key players. 

Only once did Dan and I find the perfect combination. All of the elements were in order and we had the perfect combination of players. To top it off, the spunky 9 year old had a Justin Bieber quality that added a little something extra to the mix. We were so impressed and excited to find the perfect train that there was nothing left to do but tell everyone to hit the deck and try to negotiate for $100 million in unmarked bills.


Megan said...

The only thing better would be to have all that, but be on a bus.. at least on a bus you can hold out hope that Keanu Reeves will show up ;)

~Mom said...

The only thing missing is dinner. It would be so fun to do a murder mystery dinner theater...The Heber Creeper does one.

Savvy Pants said...

I'll take Denzel Washington over Keanu Reeves any day. And I always bring my own sandwich.

Celestie said...

A)I'd have to agree with Denzel...he's much more fun to stare at and a better actor. :) 2) There's far too much truth to the leather-clad douchebag bit...and that's just funny. And D) I would also want to be the one that shot the bad guy in the knee cap...

Shanna said...

Bah ha ha ha!! I'm in!

Angela said...

So entertaining.. Now I want to hop on trax!

Megan said...

Oh please, Keanu Reeves is way hotter, specially in 'Speed'