Tuesday, September 27, 2011

If Lovin' Big Asses is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right

In response to my tribute to asses, Ben Atkinson Wrote:  this article (while obviously awesome), needs a follow-up for the dudes who have ladies in this predicament. We need advice on what to say, because we're currently in a "damned if I do and damned if I don't" quandary when that situation (eventually) arises. In other words, "HELP!"

After receiving Ben’s comment, I tried to answer him, but my mind grapes took me in another direction and instead I reflected upon the idiotic things that women do. In fact, I’ve TRIED to write this post for months and continue to write more and more advice for women on how to NOT be ridiculous and overly-sensitive. Maybe I’ll polish some of them up and post them, because they are really snarky and entertaining, but I’m finally going to make myself focus and help Ben out. My advice, while inspired by this comment, is generalizable for all men. You’re welcome. 

Step 1: Find yourself a lovely, non-crazy girl to dote on. These girls are an endangered species but as the lovely Margaret Ruth says All the Healthy, Joyful, Whole People Are All Running Around Dating, Mating and Relating with Each Other. (I cannot believe I just posted two links to a LOVE PSYCHIC, this blog is really sophisticated.) So according to her advice, make sure you are healthy, joyful, and whole and you will find a terrific girl who will allow you to move on to step 2. 

Step 2: Just be nice. That’s all. Do nice things. Say nice things. Treat her nicely and overall be nice. 

Step 3: Be consistent.
*Allow me to give you a crash course on Behavioral Modification*
-If she does things you like; praise her, thank her, and make her aware that you like these things.
-If she does something you don’t like; inform her that you don’t like it and then don’t tolerate her doing that again.
(Hint: This is exactly how you train a new puppy. Girls, this also works in training men)

Step 4: Be diligent. When she watches football with you and she lets you actually WATCH the game without making you try to also listen to a long winded storiesstory about her cat, then, during commercials thank her for letting you watch the game and tell her how happy you are that she is so cool. Then be sure to give her tons of attention until the game starts again. I guarantee she will keep her yapper shut through the rest of the game. 

Step 5: Don’t tolerate insanity in any form. If your lady love is insecure in your relationship (i.e. accusing you of cheating, closely monitoring your whereabouts, or invading your privacy on your phone, computer, etc.) don’t entertain it. Sincerely and sweetly tell her that she is the only girl for you. Tell her that she has nothing to worry about because you love her and no one else. Make her feel safe and secure in that initial conversation, and then never be drawn into the conversation again. Next time she brings it up tell her that you’ve already addressed her concerns and don’t give her the negative attention that she’s seeking. Then later, catch her being good and repeat Step 4.

Step 6: Have a healthy, joyful and whole relationship. (Margaret Ruth is so wise) Now that you are both learning to function in a healthy manor and treat each other wonderfully, you can rest assured that your relationship is open, honest and wonderful. In just 5 easy steps!!

You may be wondering how this answers Ben’s originally posed question. To answer this, let’s go through the steps together. 

1: If you need help finding an amazing girl, I have a plethora of lovely friends who will unwittingly be the victim of a set-up, just shoot send me an email, I’ll play matchmaker.
2: Take her out, make her feel lovely, rope her in with your charms.
3: Figure out what you like and don’t like in your newly developing R word.
4: Compliment her big ol’ derriere and tell her how much you love and adore its magnificence. Praise it up when it’s looking especially awesome; paying special attention to mention its large stature.
5: When she has the audacity to complain or lament her size (as all girls are wont to do) tell her sweetly and sincerely that you think she looks amazing and that as far as her ass is concerned, the bigger the better. Then the next time she brings it up, seeking your approval in a self-pitying manner, don’t tolerate it. She does not get your attention for being pathetic.
6: By this point you have set the precedence so that if she does start to lose the look you love, you are in a place to simply say, “Baby, I love you and I’m excited that you’ve taken up running, but you are losing too much weight and if your fanny shrinks any more we are going to have problems in our R word.”

She has heard you praise her junk so frequently that she will want to do whatever it takes to please you. I guarantee it. 

PS, this works with ANY behavior you want to keep or change. It works on men, women, children, and animals. You can get anyone to do exactly what you want them to do. Why do you think my boyfriend is so perfect?!!

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