Thursday, September 29, 2011

My Roommate From Hell

One runs a great risk when placing a Craig’s List ad for a roommate. The bizarre collection of socially awkward, hygienically challenged, porcelain figurine collecting, rejects that come by asking absurd questions about bathroom habits is rather frightening.

When I was looking for a roommate I only showed my place to 3 people before it was reported for discriminatory content because I said that straight men weren’t welcome, whatever. Luckily only 1 of the prospective roommates was a creepy old dude. The other two were lovely young ladies like myself. I picked one and she has turned out splendidly. 

My roommate, who we’ll call Monika for the purpose of my blog, is quite delightful and pleasant. She is very clean and respectful of my space. The only slightly annoying thing is her 17 year old, blind as a bat cat Picasso, but even he doesn't bother me that much. In all she has been a pleasure to live with and I'm so lucky to have found her.

I know what you are thinking. You feel tricked into reading my blog because you wanted to hear some horror stories about awful roommates and I’ve just talked about my perfectly pleasant Hungarian, ex-model, does-my-dishes roommate. 

But she is not the first roommate I’ve ever had...

Enter Freak.

I don’t remember her real name. My other roommate at the time, who we’ll call Amber for the purpose of this blog, and I called her Freak. We did it behind her back at first but as she got weirder and weirder we started calling her that to her face. 

*Now, before you go and think we were catty bitches, A) wait until you hear the story and B) we were 20 year old girls, OF COURSE we were catty bitches.*

I’m going to set the tone for my story with a few highlights of some of Freak’s common behaviors...

1) She would eat half a bowl of fruit loops and then put the whole thing in the dishwasher, FRUIT LOOPS AND ALL. 

2) Freak would fall asleep in front of the TV about 5 nights a week. When we explained to her that neither mine nor Amber's dads owned the electric company and we would actually have to pay our bill when it came so could she please stop wasting electricity(!!!!), she cut down to 4 nights a week.

3) She would steal our food. Duh, that’s part of being a roommate, but then she accused us of eating her food AND "TOLD" ON US TO HER DAD. Then he came over and yelled at us about it. Really?!

4) One time I caught her using Amber’s hair brush and curling iron so I called Amber at work and she rushed right home to yell at Freak about hygiene boundaries. This may sound excessively catty but just a few days before Amber found evidence that Freak had been using her loofa in the shower. It was a trend that needed to be stopped

So now that you are aware of the daily things we dealt with from our overly-coddled-by-her-parents-roommate, you’re ready for the story extraordinaire…

One night, Amber shared some dazzling words of wisdom with me. Our conversation was highly informative, for me, but what I didn’t realize was that someone else was gleaning from our discussion. 

Freak must have realized that Amber had some very sound logic and figured she needed to do some maintenance on her own Barbra Bush. 

It couldn’t have been more than a couple hours later that Amber went up to get ready for bed when the silence of the house was shattered by the bellowing sound of,


Now, the upcoming events were not necessarily intended for me to participate in, but you better believe I jumped up from whatever I was doing and rushed to the scene of the… well… I didn’t know what I would see but I was SO excited to be a witness to it!!

There was Amber, standing in the bathroom, shouting at Freak (who I was desperately trying to see around) while pointing at the tub. When I finally shimmied my way into the bathroom I beheld the most horrifying, amazing (in the, I’m-so-amazed-that-you-thought-this-was-ok-to-do, sort of way) and memorable sight. 

Apparently, and all my evidence is circumstantial (accept that she didn’t deny it), but apparently, Freak had taken Amber’s words to heart and decided she should do a vaggy trimming that night... While she was taking a bath… AND THEN SHE DIDN’T LET OUT THE BATHWATER!!!


It was a horrific, cream based, pube soup.


So, after Amber gets through yelling (which was epic and phenomenal and I’m so glad I had front row seats for the event) she tells Freak to clean out the bathtub. We left the room and proceed to bad mouth her from the living room. When Freak moseyed into the kitchen we ran upstairs to check on the finished product. 


*To her credit, that girl had some courage hidden in her 90 pound frame for her to, once again, answer the call and accept her scolding.*

You see, Freak’s simple solution to her hedge clippings fiasco; she just drained the tub and moved on so that she had more time to watch TV and eat a bowl of Fruit Loops. 


The tub was now speckled with her carpet fibers and soap scum.


I mean honestly, how did she think that was ok?

I want to feel bad that she moved out after only living with us for one month but, um, I'm not. She was a creeper who took all of our stuff to her parent’s house because she was “borrowing” it and “forgot” to bring it back.

Good riddance Freak, I hope you finally learned how to function without your Helicopter Parents' constant care. 

--Roommate horror stories are the best, please, please share!! 


mj said...

Eeewww. My first college dorm roommate greeted me with "This is my altar. Please don't touch it, or you will disturb my essence. And NOBODY would like that." But really, nothing seems that bad compared to Freak. I wonder why the law of averages almost always puts one Freak with one nice girl, instead of two Freaks together and two nice girls together? It's one of life's great mysteries.

Keem said...

Aaron has the roommate from hell story, mostly because the guy failed to pay rent for months (all the while paying for his multiple porn subscriptions). Claimed he had mental problems that prevented him from holding a job. His mom had to pay his half of the rent every month. Once Aaron finally moved out, the guy held a job for 6 months straight. Imagine that.

We made the mistake on going to Seattle with him once. We left him there (he said he was fine taking a bus back, and we were more than happy to let him choose that option).

Same guy got us kicked out of a bar the first (and only) time we went to one with him. Mind you, he got us kicked out of said bar 10 minutes before midnight on New Years Eve. Try finding a new bar to ring in the new year 10 minutes before midnight.

Oh, and major hygiene issues? Yeah, he had them.

~Mom said...

How about this roommate from Hell! A guy I had dated a few times, Doug, asked his roommate for his share of the rent. His roommate went into the other room, came back with a gun, shot and killed Doug! I KID YOU NOT! Savannah, this happened when you were an infant. Of course, I wasn't dating him by then. Maybe some aren't so hard to live with, after all? Hmmm....

Celestie said...

Um...freakishly hilarious. I'm laughing waaaay too loud. But Nancy, your story has shocked me into silence. FOR REAL?!?!!?!?!

Ruthie said...

Hey Savannah I read your blog a few days ago but had no time to comment I really like your blog it sure makes for interesting reading anyways in response to your roommate story I totally remember freak and it made me think about one of or neighbors everyone up here refers to him as "weirdo" which now I cant even remember his real name anyways he is really weird he talks religion alot and says he doesnt belong to a church but his purpose here is to save everyone he thinks hes all mighty and powerful like hes in charge of things he claims he knew about all the different world diasters but doesnt mention them until after they happen. One day as he looked up at the dark clouds in the sky he said it was going to rain that night because he wanted it to. Later that same day as he looked up at the sky and saw the clouds cleared up he said he decided he didnt want it to rain any more so it wasn't going to. Are you serious I could decide if I wanted it to rain or not by looking at the sky. He totally thinks women should worship him and he thinks he is like the best looking man on earth (now I know this isn't true cause I married that man). He's just weird about everything and scares all the neighbors. What scares me most is how he looks at little girls and how he talks about them what a creep. I can't let my little girl play outside by herself any more I don't trust him. Luckily this is his second home up here so hes only up here half the time. I don't have a roommate horror story but a neighbor freak affects the whole neighborhood. Sorry I write so much but I don't get on the compter much since Bryson is out of town and I got to do all the work what with the garden and all the canning, cleaning the house and not to mention a new baby and potty training a little boy that will sit on the toliet for a half hour at a time just to make sure he pees so he can have a piece of candy oh and did I mention that 4 and a half year olds ask alot of qustions I cant read a book or watch a movie without fifty questions. I really dont care why tomatoes turn red when theyre ripe or why fire could burn you. I dont think I can answer another question. I can't even imagine what a conversation would be like with someone my own age. I talked to Bryson about running the marathon and he says its a great idea he says he will run it with me. its up to you if you want to take a chance in the lottery. Im excited registration is from Aril 1st to may 1st if you want to do it. I sure hope all this has made sense I don't talk to grown-ups much is that what theyre called? anyways I love you and hope all is well with you. we all miss you. Sariah can't stop talking about you. I should have more time during the winter to read your blog.

Savvy Pants said...

MJ, were I to do it over again I would be the weird one. It could be exciting!

And Mom, I"M TERRIFIED!!!!

Ruthie, That is just plain scary!!