Monday, October 10, 2011

I Don't Have to Apologize to You!

Check back November 1st

I have a big surprise coming...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Serious Epidemic in Women’s Health

Have you ever stumbled around awkwardly in you high heels thinking you look sexy?

Have you ever tripped over nothing at all?

Does your footwear make you feel as though you should wear a tiny skirt that you have no business wearing at your age?

If you relate too well to any of these descriptions, you may be suffering from Foolish Footwear Syndrome (FFS)

Other symptoms include

* Rolling your ankles
* Shuffling your feet
* Adding 4 ridiculous inches to your height
* Shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to find comfort
* Feelings of grandeur
* Back ache
* Diminished stamina walking long distances
* Booty dancing

Its easy to laugh, but this is a serious problem.

Thousands of girls traipse out every Friday and Saturday night with a false sense of pride in a skill they have not yet mastered.

But there is help to be had. For a limited time I am offering my personal, one on one counseling. At the low, low cost of airfare, I will personally come punch you in the face.*

However, many women do not need my special one on one attention, and for them, I offer my free, snarky advice. (My advice is always free and ALWAYS snarky.)

First: You probably don't know this, but your shoes are too big. If you wear a size 8 sneaker, then you need a size 7 1/2 heel. Heels need to be tight. You are stumbling because your feet are sliding around in your shoe. If that half size smaller is uncomfortable, then wear sneakers because heels ARE uncomfortable if you wear them right. And you need to wear them right, because of the 'looking like a fool problem' we've already discussed.

Second: Your heels are too tall. I know you want to add 4 inches to your height but don't. Just don't. Seriously, it's worth it to give up the extra inch so that you can walk properly.

Third: Heel-toe, Heel-toe. Not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put weight on the heel or else you'll bend your knees awkwardly.

Fourth: Don't bend your knees awkwardly. For instructions on how to fix this look above.

Fifth: Stand up straight and walk with your core. (Actually, this is good advice all the time)

If you or someone you know suffers from FFS, it's not too late, we can still help.

Please, pass this along to any of your friends who suffer from FFS. Together we can put an end to the late night foolishness.

*I cannot guarantee this claim will be a one time cure, but it SURE will make me feel better

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

NUNYA!! You Know, Nun-Ya Business... Or... What to Say When People Ask Innapropriate Questions

Babysitting puts me in this weird position where I’m forced to hang out with the other sitter at play date. Sometimes this is just fine and I’ve met some cool girls while our seven year old monkeys run around the park together. However, sometimes this is awful and I make painful chit chat while praying someone will fall from the swings and we'll have to rush home.

It’s kind of like having to hang out with the girlfriends of your boyfriend's friends. You pray his friends will date super cool chicks who you can go shopping with outside of the double date dynamic but instead you're stuck with a lame snob of a bore who hasn't learned how to walk in her heels.

On one particular play date from hell, asI was delighted that my little monkey child was wearing herself out playing Duck, Duck, Goose, I was forced to run the small talk marathon with Ms. Asks Too Many Personal Questions. Which got me thinking; why do people think its ok to asks intimate details after having only known someone for 12 seconds?

After hearing about my boyfriend from the overly chatty monkey herself and deducing that I wasn't married, Ms. ATMPQ says, "So, when are you getting married?"

Back the truck up woman.

Not only do I not know this answer myself, but who does she think she is asking such a personal question. If it was something I wanted her to know I’d offer the information myself.

I brushed it off by saying, "Oh, you know, when I’m bored of being happy." Which was sufficient to change the subject but also entirely misleading. I don’t feel this way about marriage at all, and I felt uncomfortable giving her the impression that I was anti-marriage, but what could I do? 

Over the years I have been ask many inappropriate questions to which I really wanted to respond by saying, "Nun yo damn business!"

This is hardly appropriate for me to say, no matter how much I want to, so I have thought of and saved up a little army of witty remarks to fire back with. I will share them with you and please, feel free to ues any of these if you need them for your own defenses.

After high school, when I had to put off going to college for a semester because I couldn’t afford it, people felt they should put pressure on me for not jumping to it right away. When they asked snootily why I wasn’t going right to college, I solemnly told them I only had 6 months to live and wanted to experience life while I could. Had this been real information it obviously would have been way more personal than saying I was too poor to go, but that didn't really cross my mind at the time.

Then when I was married the first time people started getting impatient for me to have kids. I’m not sure why it was so important to strangers that I have babies, I wasn’t in any sort of hurry, so when they asked me when I was going to have kids, I replied, "We're still waiting to see if the marriage will work out." It shut them right up, but I do feel a little bad that this turned out to be more true than I intended... Oops

And finally, when I got divorced, the boldest of the intrusive dared to ask why. This is where I drew the line in my witty self-preserving sand and said, "That is hardly appropriate to ask." A little hostile, but sometimes you have to put people in their place.

Wouldn't it be nice for people to learn what is appropriate to ask and what isn’t? But as long as there are intriguing things happening in my life there will always be nosy people wanting to know about it. There isn’t much to do but smile, try to keep the conversation light and  think of a clever retort.

As I am moving further away from the developing milestones of my 20’s, I’d like to think that my days of having to deal with intrusive strangers are over, but seeing as how I’m not married, I don’t have children and I haven’t even gone to grad school, people will continue to ask invasive questions. I am looking for more ammo to stockpile in my arsenal. Please, share with me your go-to lines to ward off the snooptastic so that I can keep my wits about me.