Thursday, October 6, 2011

A Serious Epidemic in Women’s Health

Have you ever stumbled around awkwardly in you high heels thinking you look sexy?

Have you ever tripped over nothing at all?

Does your footwear make you feel as though you should wear a tiny skirt that you have no business wearing at your age?

If you relate too well to any of these descriptions, you may be suffering from Foolish Footwear Syndrome (FFS)

Other symptoms include

* Rolling your ankles
* Shuffling your feet
* Adding 4 ridiculous inches to your height
* Shifting from foot to foot in an attempt to find comfort
* Feelings of grandeur
* Back ache
* Diminished stamina walking long distances
* Booty dancing

Its easy to laugh, but this is a serious problem.

Thousands of girls traipse out every Friday and Saturday night with a false sense of pride in a skill they have not yet mastered.

But there is help to be had. For a limited time I am offering my personal, one on one counseling. At the low, low cost of airfare, I will personally come punch you in the face.*

However, many women do not need my special one on one attention, and for them, I offer my free, snarky advice. (My advice is always free and ALWAYS snarky.)

First: You probably don't know this, but your shoes are too big. If you wear a size 8 sneaker, then you need a size 7 1/2 heel. Heels need to be tight. You are stumbling because your feet are sliding around in your shoe. If that half size smaller is uncomfortable, then wear sneakers because heels ARE uncomfortable if you wear them right. And you need to wear them right, because of the 'looking like a fool problem' we've already discussed.

Second: Your heels are too tall. I know you want to add 4 inches to your height but don't. Just don't. Seriously, it's worth it to give up the extra inch so that you can walk properly.

Third: Heel-toe, Heel-toe. Not the other way around. Don't be afraid to put weight on the heel or else you'll bend your knees awkwardly.

Fourth: Don't bend your knees awkwardly. For instructions on how to fix this look above.

Fifth: Stand up straight and walk with your core. (Actually, this is good advice all the time)

If you or someone you know suffers from FFS, it's not too late, we can still help.

Please, pass this along to any of your friends who suffer from FFS. Together we can put an end to the late night foolishness.

*I cannot guarantee this claim will be a one time cure, but it SURE will make me feel better


A Bunch of Roaches said...

"At the low, low cost of airfare, I will personally come punch you in the face.*" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Britta Hughes said...

Ha I know a girl who had this syndrome and wore heels all the time. She ended up hurting her ankle and achilles tendon so bad she needed surgery and can never wear heels again. This is definitely sound advice for young women.

~Mom said...

HILARIOUS!!! ....I'd just be happy if my feet looked good in ANY shoe!

Angela said...

This is so true it hurts my sole.. Hehehehehe

Holly Gough said...

Oh Savannah, you make me wish I were a lesbian so I could marry you. Your too entertaining!